Borat Read online

  This book made available by the Internet Archive.

  nEHATAHMfl BBEflEHMfl flJIfl OBTdEMA CEKTOPA - KA3AXCTAHA

  • INTRODUCTION TYPtNGS FOR SECTOR OF VOLUME- KAZAKHSTAN

  Jagshemash peoples of Kazakhstan - 'WassisupF peoples of The West - my name Borat SagdiyeV and 1 authors this volume literature you is current readings. If you are from US and A, I would like congratulate you for spend your dollars so wisely on it and if you are from Kazakhstan, 1 would like remind you that it our nation's only copy and if it not returned to Imperial Library within 3 week, you will be execute .

  This sector of the volume is dedicate to advisings people coming to visit glorious nation of Kazakhstan and I certain that it will provings most useful, it contain everything the average tounst needs to know, from where to chain your wife at night while you go out and have runtime, to what you must do to avoid having your anoos broken toy a giant from Tajikstan.

  Since release of my moviefilm, "Borat"', number of peoples coming to Kazakhstan have increase by a dramatic statistics and last year we made welcome 300,000 foreigners (2,000 tourist, 298,000 slave captured in Uzbekistan. Why not!? They is a work hard!).

  I would like on behalf my Government to invite you also to Kazakhstan - you will like it! Please you must Coming! If you have no money, V ou can stav my house, eat my food and use my sister (she tight like a man's anoos!), or if your flavour more boy, you can use my brother Bilo - he retard with head size of chicken and 200 teeth. You can do anything to him - he dont remember nothing!

  Chendobreh, Borat Sagdiyev.

  3TA KH^ TA 6HJ1A OflOBPEHA KA3AXCTAHCKMM MHHHC'EPCTBOM nPOriArAHflbf

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  SECTOR OF VOLUME

  PWw

  MAP OF WORLD • SIGNIFICANTS DATES IN KAZAKH

  HISTORY • MAP OF KAZAKHSTAN • ANCIENT HISTORYS KAZAKHSTAN • PREMIER NAZARBAMSHEV • MODERN HISTORY OF KAZAKHSTAN • POLITICAL SYSTEM OF KAZAKHSTAN • KAZAKHSTAN BILLS OF RIGHTS •

  KAPTA MMPA

  • MAP OF WORLD

  T M X H H O K E A H

  Kazakhstan is beautiful nation that have location very convenient in middle of Cen tral Asia - with countries of

  Turkmenistan. Kyrgistan, Tajikstan (and shitting peoples Uzbekistan) all reachables within 100 days of travel. Although it size third biggest country in world, Kazakhstan only have ranking number 62 in population (7 millions people),mean ing there is only 2 person per square kilometer (except for in Almaty jewtown . where there is 7 person per square metre).

  CYUlECTBEHHblE flATbl B KA3AXCKOH MCTOPMM

  •SIGNIFICANTS DATES IN KAZAKH HISTORY

  903 A.D.

  Kazakhstan pecked from

  Great Egg by

  The Mighty

  Hawk Ukhtar

  914A.D.

  First Feast Of Shurik - this occur because by coincidences,

  all of Kazakhstan's shepherds come down from Tinshein Mountains on same day to have their hair combed by Kazakhstan's barber, Nulshan The Barber. He cannot cope with ail these shepherd at once, so instead they gather in a fieid and for two days comb

  each other's hair before return to the mountains.

  1036 A.D.

  Kazakhshepherd,Yurtan Urtabayev, discover that it possible to turn a field of grass into mud by makings woman pull a metal blade attach to wood across it many times. He do not have use for do this - he just think the stripy patterns of mud looks nice.

  1145 A.D.

  Construction of great silk ROA through Kazakhstan. This still today main highway of Kazakhstar and is schedule to be resurface for first time in year 2010.

  905 A.D.

  Kazakh is achieve domestication of woman. Shepherds breeds flocks of up to 300 of them.

  994 A.D.

  Kazakhstan achieves domestication of horse.

  1078 A.D.

  It very hot summer and as act of kindness, Kazakh shepherd Mulat Marynatev, in addition to shear wool of his sheeps, also shears the pubis hairs from his flock of womens, to help them stay cool. He take resulting fur to market, where people discover it make very strong yarn and also

  if boiled, a very delicious

  SOUp. It sell for seven times the amount of his sheeps wool and this see start of the annual pubis harvest and birth of Kazakhstan's second biggest industry.

  1193 A.D.

  Great and fearless warrior Ghengis Khan is ruler of all Kazakhstan. He establish many

  of strategies and technologies still use by the Kazakh Army today - includings weapons of mass

  destructions (siege

  catapult), and

  use of womens as human shields.

  10

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  KAZAKHSTAN

  declares war

  on neighbours

  Uzbekistan because

  they is SO bboctys noseyand will notminds their OWD business but aH the times has to be meddle with things that do not concerning them.

  1410 A.D.

  To commemorate previous year's glorious Tishniek Massacre, the Kazakh Army makes stage re-enactment. They do this by travel again to Uzbek town of Tishniek and making new

  improved massacre. This have happen on the same

  date every year since.

  1219 A.D.

  Genghis Khan invents new hot liquid for pour on enemy trying to scale wait

  of fortress and

  discover by accident

  that it taste very delicious. He give it

  name 'toffee'.

  Yes my friend - is true -KAzaKhstan is inventor of toffee! And also trouser bett. It is not surprise that we are known as the 'great inventors' of Central Asia.

  1409 A.D.

  Tishniek

  Massacre occur

  where over

  3,000 people

  is massacred

  in Uzbek town of Tishniek. Kazakh Army very proud of their conduct in this event, but wishes they could have crush many more.

  It is discover by a Kazakh man, that plants grows in mud. Finally there is use for all fields which have been turn into mud by device ofYurta"

  Urtabayevs, me

  'plow'. Cultivations of

  plant name delicious potato is begin.

  U

  1824 AJ).

  Kazakhstan scientist, Yolkan The Scientist, almost invents the wheel.

  1836 AD

  Kazakhstan scientist, Yolkan The Scientist, invents trouser belt

  1914A.D.

  1,000 year anniversary of Feast of Shurik - this biggest one ever, with over 5 millions shepherds (it allege, however, that up to three million of these was not genuine shepherds, but other professions of men looking to get their hair comb free of charge).

  .... i ....., , —.—

  1926 A.D.

  It is discover that a type of green potato that only grows in Kazakhstan and for centuries have only been use

  for throw at gypsies, »s actual

  the most delicious food in the world. This food is name 'apples'.

  1967 A.D.

  ChikJrens is allowed to join Kazakh Army. This voluntary - they can either join army, or be sent into

  polonium mines

  1889 A.D.

  Potassium

  discovered by chance 17 miles beneath town of Chimkent in Eastern Province.

  1917A.D.

  Soviet occupation

  of Kazakhstan

  commence. Resistance is very fierce with

  Kazakh people

  pretending not to hear when the Russians is talk to them and making rude signs when they is not looking.

  1963 A.D,

  Construction is begin of TlnshelnSwimming Pool. Progress is very frustratings because evet y time big hole is dug. workers returns the next day to
discover that in the night tt have been fill

  wtt h dead wives

  1974 A.D.

  Kazakhstan Government Scientist, Dr. Yamak,

  invents buckle for trouser belt.

  1991 A.D.

  Kazakhstan achieve independence from Soviet occupation

  and holds first democratic elections. Glorious leader, Premier Nazarbamshev is elect with 107% of the vote. He have subsequent also been declare viktor of elections of 1996, 2001, 2006 and 2011.

  2003 A.D.

  Tulyakev Reforms j S announce meaning that women can now travel on inside of bus, homosexuals no longer has to wear blue hats and age of consent is raise to 8 years.

  1998 A.D.

  Jt is discovered that there is living in Kyzytorda Province of Kazakhstan two Red Pandas - a species that was thought to be extincts. Premier Nazarbamshev immediate tracks and shoots them. Great success!

  2006 A.D.

  Death of Jonny The Monkey

  in tragic television show accident.

  While bravely attempting to jump

  Tinshein Swimming Pool on

  motorcycle dressed like Evell

  Kenevell, Jonny The MOnkey

  is drown. He unfortunate crash in

  the water and sink to the bottom

  and could not escape since he

  had been glue to the motorcycle.

  Kwasdedde 0 * 0 '^'^ to remove his body from the

  bottomThere is now new Jonny The Monkey.

  1996 A.D.

  AS part of modern Kazakhstan,

  womens

  is now allow to join army. Infacts, they has to join army, where they is used to walk infront of the men-soldiers to clear an Y mines.

  2002 A.D.

  Construction of Tinshein Swimming Pool is complete 2 vears ahead of schedule. At opening ceremony, Premier Nazarbamshev shows demonstration of its powerful filtration system by making a shits in the water. Next day only 16% of his anoos dirt can be found, which mean filtration system exceed projected design performance by 1%. Great SUCCeSS!

  2005 A.D. NurekDamconstruction

  is complete and the trtysh River is divert, flooding the Nurek Valley. Premier Nazarbamshev pulls lever to commence output of new electrical generatings plant - the first voltages is use to simultaneously execute 80 Uzbeks! Previous to Nurek Dam, when just one person was put in etectricchair, it would cause all lights in capitalcity Astana to go out.

  2007 A.D.

  Tinshein Swimming Pool filtration system explode killing 3000 people. It discover this was cause by pipe which had become block by the rot head of Jonny The Monkey which had fall off his body.

  KAPTA KA3AXCTAHA

  • MAP OF KAZAKHSTAN

  -/

  U

  Kazakhstan have a most vary geographies with high mountains, medium mountains, low mountains and desert, around which for centuries shepherds have moved their large herds of sheeps, goats and womens, in search of food. Kazakhstan also has most beautiful coastline on Caspian Sea, perfect for family holiday -with unbroken stretches of golden sands up to 3 miles long between the nuclear power plants. Peoples of Kazakhstan either lives in villages, or one of the three cities, Capital Astana (populations 3 millions), Almaty (population 3 millions), or Almaty jewtown (population unknown - maybe up to 3 billions, depend on what form these creature have take).

  ^

  1,

  Kjiioh k KapTe Ka3axcTaHa

  1. Astana Funworld

  2. Kazakhstan's traffic light (Warnings! Red bulb is broken!)

  3. Nurek Dam and hydroelectrics generate plant

  4. PepsiMax Manufacturing Plant

  5. Lake Balkhash Watersport and Sewage Store Facility (due open 2009)

  6. Town of Tulyakev

  7. Town of Tishniek in Uzbekistan

  8. Tinshein Swimming Pool

  9. Hueylewis Stadium

  10. Almaty Jewtown

  11. Aktobe Polonium mines

  12. The caves of Tarashenk

  13. Aral Sea (Area mark around Aral Sea

  denote size prior to Nurek Dam and PepsiMax plant)

  14. Great Silk Road

  15. Great East West Road of Kazakhstan

  16. The Impressive Tinshein Mountains

  17. Proposed site for achieve biggest hole in world (diggings have commence and is schedule continue for next 80 years)

  18. Location for Feast of Shurik

  19. Capital city Astana

  20. 2nd city Almaty 21.TOwnof Kulzek

  22. Nightclub 'Superfuck'

  14

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  MMHMCTepCTBOM reOrpa(}5HH8CKOM ripaBflbi

  ©2004 Ka3ajjcTaHCKoe ripaBMTe/ibCTBO

  rhe Plains of 19. Tarashenk

  The two Apples Trees of Kazakhstan grows in this region

  (cannot be mqre.specifics due to risk ofthief discover location) CT^XV^

  AKHSTAN|

  9 . 14

  o

  z o

  121

  .3.

  Almaty »20.

  ^

  e

  Current minefields}/

  Proposed minefields.

  □

  Nuclear power plants

  TAJIKSTAN

  Regions of muchkxX*

  AFGHANISTAN

  N D I A

  15

  flPEBHflfl MCT0PM51 KA3AXCTAHA

  • ANCIENT HISTORYS OF KAZAKHSTAN

  AS anyone who have study history knows, Kazakhstan was create eleven

  hundred and four years ago, by The Mighty Hawk Ukhtar when he lay the Giant

  Egg (which western peoples is call Earth). Our nation was give honour of being first

  to be pecked out of shell by Ukhtar, who then very quick do the other countries before

  have to fly back to his nest to stop it be stolen by Nurzhan, the giant Jewish Mongoose.

  1. This painting on wall of cave in the Tinshein Mountains that prove it was Ukhtar who create Kazakhstan. This picture was paint in the Stone Age, nearly 200 year ago.

  13

  ...

  PREMIER NAZARBAMSHEV

  This Premier Nazarbamshev. At 2006 MTV Central Asia Awards, he win trophy for "Most Nice Face".

  17

  _^

  COBPEMEHHAfl MCTOPM51 KA3AXCTAHA

  • MODERN HISTORY OF KAZAKHSTAN

  Modern history of Kazakhstan commence in year 1991, when Kazakhstan was at last free from Soviet Unions, who had occupy us since 1917. Left to govern ourselves, much rapid progresses was made in Kazakhstan, mainly due to our glorious new leader, Premier Nazarbamshev. He immediate start make many modernizations, includings installation of traffic light at junction of Kazakhstan's two roads and placement of aerosol air freshener in lavolatory of Imperial palace.

  • BIOGRAPHY OF PREMIER NAZARBAMSHEV

  Glorious Leader of Kazakhstan is Premier Nazarbamshev. Here is some fact about him: • Premier Nazarbamshev have remarkable physical attributions- he can run 100 metre in 7.3

  second, he can crush glass in his bare hand and he can suspend a tractor gearbox from his testes satchel for near 5 second.

  • Premier Nazarbamshev also have a most magnificent phenis (it more thick than a tube of Pringles), which produce

  copious semens of most

  exceptional quality - it have so far produce 154 childrens, of which only 6 was girl and 38 have retardation.

  • Premier Nazarbamshev have

  ability almost like prophet to see the future. In 2005 he predict that he would be reelect with 98% of vote - this

  was exact number he receive.

  • One times, in year 2004, Premier Nazarbamshev develop a nasty atche in his tooth

  after having chew on a very

  chewy toffee, so he have to go and see Government Scientist, Dr. Yamak, for treatments. Dr. Yamak decide necessary make x-ray of Premier Nazarbayev's head. What he

  discover was remarkables. I I' no
nour t0 Present 'Most Nice Face' trophy at

  2006 MTV Central Asia Awards

  18

  As you can see this X-ray prove that. Premier Nazarbamshev havea brain the size of horse bladder. It no wonder he have IQs of 373 and have never fail to complete any jigsaw puzzle.

  19

  ■ttsa

  nOJlMTMHECKAfl

  KA3AXCTAHA

  • SYSTEM POLITIK OF KAZAKHSTAN

  CMCTEMA

  One of first things Premier Nazarbamshev do after take power, was to introduce western system of democracy. He do this, and

  hold Kazakhstan's first General Election, which he win. International observers from Zimbabwe, Haiti and Sudans say it one of the most fair transparents election they had ever witness. Kazakh system of democracy exact same as West, except for a few

  improvement we have make:

  • In Kazakhstan horse can vote, but a woman cannot. We say in Kazakhstan that, "To let a woman have a vote, is like to «

  let a monkey have a gun*. Very dangerous!" The only I womens allow in Kazakh Parliament is prostitutes. |

  • In Kazakhstan, if there a tie between two candidate -- winner is decide by see who can carry a woman against her will for

  furthest distance. In election of 2001, Premier Nazarbamshev manage carry a young woman of 326lbs for 2.8 kilometre!

  • To make election mean more to the peoples, Premier Nazarbamshev have recent introduce law to ma ke them less frequent -- in futures, election for Premier will be hold every 30 years, or after a Premier have die (whichever is the longer time).

  • MonkeyS is no longer allowed guns in Kazakhstan, ever since

  the Astana zoo massacre of 2003, When 17 schoolboys was shot.

  Kazakh elections fairest in world. Once horse has vote, n © h * s left ear marked, so people know and he cannot vote again.

  KA3AXCKHH BMJlJlb O nPABAX

  • KAZAKHSTAN, BILLS OF RIGHTS