Borat Read online

  Pubis size must not exceed 50 square centimetre Does I not include removal of anoos-fur.

  !lili !

  I Trap only guarantee to hold jew in human form. Viktor 1 Hotelier accept no responsibilitys for money taken by jew i shape of animal or kratzouli.

  KA3AXCKME OECTMBAJ1H M flHM nPA3flH0BAHHfl

  • KAZAKH FESTIVALS AND DAYS OF CELEBRATE

  It do not matter what time of a year you are visit Kazakhstan, you are certain to be encounter one of our many many public holiday or festivals (as long as duration your stay at least 10 month). These is occasions when the whole nation come together and shows world we is a unite modern society, by get drunk, singsongs and make frivolous rapings of each other.

  • FEAST OF SHURIK - NOVEMBERS 12-17

  Most famous and ancients of all Kazakh festivals is of course the FEAST OF SHURIK, which happen for 5 days each year in mid of Novembers. I would like very much liken this

  event with American celebration "Superbowl" - only slight difference is, instead of 80,000 people gather in town for observe activity sportiv, we have 2 million shepherds who come

  down from the Tinshein Mountains and gather in a field, where they get extreme drunk on ferment horse urine and then dig a big hole which they fill with dog and Uzbek. They then

  throw potato on them for 5 day, before comb each other's hair and return to hills to tend their

  flocks of sheeps and women. |n additions the 2 millions shepherd who attend, a further 6

  millions ordinary Kazakhs converge on Tinshein Plateau and result one of biggest parties in

  the world.

  There is many tradition and custom that Kazakh people observe during Feast of Shurik - while you are visit you must trying them too. It would be polite and a lovely pat in the back for my country! Here some fact on this lovely occasion FEAST OF SHURIK:

  • This is only festival where it is obligatory to make sexytime explosion on chest of sister. Do not just taking my words for this, come Feast of Shurik and gives it a try!

  • Feast of Shurik have modernize and progress through the ages. For

  example, the big hole is no longer dig by hands, b U t with new technology

  name 'spade'. Also many of young shepherds these day do not just have

  hair comb, they has it made into new fashions, example, punkrocker or mopstop.

  • RUNNING OF THE JEW-NOVEMBERS 26

  This festival nice day out for all family and is P erfect opportunity f or teaching your young ones anti-semitisms in a most fun ways! It involvings the brave people of Astana running through main street of the city while some jews chases them and tries to steal their moneys and is symbolics of the times before Almaty jewtown was construct, when jews used to chase Kazakh peoples through the streets and try to steal their moneys. If you looking very closely at the photographs of this events, you will noticing that we do not actual use real jews for this runnings, but infacts life-sizes exact copy of them. We used to use real jews, b ut it was decide it too dangerous since a young Kazakh child was badly gored by one in year 1763. My friend Viktor Hotelier say he have see this festivals copied in country he visit, name "Spains", and that here they do still uses real jews - but ones who has shifted their shapes into strange beasts that looks like a horse with a horns.

  MHRii

  *Also, as everyone knows, real jews can fly and shiftshapes, so they very hard to catch

  67

  #j@s^SiSSaefc*»

  • TISHNIEK MASSACRE ANNIVERSARY - NOVEMBERS (EXACT DAY VARIES FOR SURPRISE THEM)

  This commemorate glorious day in year 1409 when Mighty Warlord Ghenghis Khan led 800,000 fearless Kazakh soldiers into the Uzbek town of Tishniek and was force to crush

  3,000 of the peoples who lived there because they would not stop staring at him in a very rude way and also when kindly Ghengis was not lookings, one of Kazakh soldiers saw these nosey Uzbeks make a sign behind his back with their fingers that was so rude I could not

  possibly say here in writings what that sign look like. Since this event occur in 1409, the

  Kazakh Army have every year make commemorate it by stage a re-enactments. They do this

  by travellings to Uzbek town Tishniek and massacring them.

  For enjoy this happy day peoples all over Kazakhstan dresses as soldiers of Ghenghis Khan Army and crushes any local Uzbeks they can find using traditional Kazakh weapons, such as potatoes, spittings and rocks. Use of modern weapons such as crossbow, catapults and rocks made from metal is very frown upon. As English would saying, "that just not crickets

  what what what!".Tishniek Massacre Anniversary is great days out for all family -it is fun! You must coming! You can either brings your own weapons, or make hire them from number of outlet. I recommends Qasymzhomart Mutbayev, who have very nice selection of catapault and Kalashnikov and offers complete massacre package, which includes travel to Tishniek by luxury cart, 3 meals, overnights accommodations and weapon hire for all inclusives price of 8,000,000 Tenge - childrens under 5 free!

  •KAZAKH DAY OF INDEPENDENCE - DECEMBERS 16

  This most joyful day marks occasion of independence for glorious nation Kazakhstan from brutal and backward occupations of Soviets Union in year 1991. To celebrates this, Kazakh peoples on this day openly enjoys proud Kazakh cultures which was banned under the barbaric Soviet regime - for examples, eating toffee, spittings from windows and receiving mouth-sex from animals (baby bear is my favourites, they suck like how you say a 'Dysons' - especial if you do not feed them for two day first!)* In addition these activity, there is parade through capitalcity Astana, led by Premier Nazarbamshev For occasion, he drives the Official State Motorcar, which has a coloured balloons tied to the ariel and throws cans of PepsiMax from window for six lucky people

  to pick up. After parade Premier Nazarbamshev makes appearance on balcony of Imperial Palace, from where he shoots some dogs - one for each year of independence - and then makes release 1,000 white peace doves for the childrens of the city to shoot down with Kalashnikovs. He then returns inside the Palace to drink PepsiMax and wrestle with invited dignitaries - totally nude.

  *lf you need find animal for this purpose, it easy - you can either trap one yourself, or if you do not have time, Astana Zoo will hire you one for very reasonable rates.

  For independence celebration of 2005 I could not obtain young bear. In this event, goat is reliable alternate.

  KA3AXCKA5I BAJIIOtA CMCTEMbl

  • KAZAKH SYSTEM CURRENCY

  When you travel to Kazakhstan, do not be scare of our system currency, it very modern and exact the same as western nation with coin and paper moneys. In facts, Kazakh system even more advance than system of US and A - they only has 7 denomination of banknote, we has 788! Here is example Of three...

  ife^fe n ^6 )aMMd Kocwoca Ka3ax »

  150

  150TENGE NOTE

  This smallest banknote of Kazakhstan so low value, it only good for clean anoos*. It feature picture of Torkin (like American "David"), glorious Kazakh cosmonaut. H © was first horse to reach space and was in orbit for 43 seconds at an altitude of 312 feet when he was launch in March 2003. Over next 20 years we plan to launch a further 300 horse.

  *m

  ''''tT?^

  84,000

  * Be careful not to

  do this in public - if

  you are caught, you will be execute by

  being tied to a tree in place where

  bears lives and having honey placed on your anoos.

  84,000 TENGE NOTE

  This midrange Kazakh banknote and have picture of porno aktor, Jonny The Monkey. Approximate value this note is 10 US Cents. In Kazakhstan, if you place one of these banknote in jaws of a mantrap, it sufficient value to guarantee you catch a jew.

  50,000,000,000 TENGE NOTE

  This most high value of all Kazakh banknote and have picture of our most famous of all sex-criminal- Walter. In US and A this banknote would have sufficient values to pay for a 1992 Cadi
llac - in Kazakhstan, it sufficient to pay for all the treasures inside the Kazakh National Museum. Incidentally, if anybody interested in do swap 0 f a Cadillac for contents of Kazakh National Museum, please write direct to Premier Nazarbamshev.

  1. This crushed Pepsi Max can is legal tenders in Kazakhstan.

  2. Beware forgery! This actual a Dr. Peppers can and is worthless

  Until year 2004 each of these banknote was hand paint, but production have now increase to over 5,000 notes per we.ek since Kazakh Imperial Mint recent make purchase of 1987 Canon IP5000 colour photocopier. In addition to produce banknotes, Kazakh Imperial

  Mint now also offer services of high qualitys document reproductions (up to size A3), photographi c duplications full colour* and experts forgery of all Western currency and passports.

  As tourist to glorious nation of Kazakhstan, it very important that you knowing the worth

  of your US Dollar. Here is a Charting of comparisons.

  ** Current no blue Or red. If anyone know where to obtain these toner cartridge for

  Canon IP5000 please

  contact Kazakh i mpe .

  rial Mint.

  BEJlliKOJlEllHAfl

  riPOMblLUJlEHHOCTb KA3AXCTAHA

  • GLORIOUS INDUSTRYS OF KAZAKHSTAN

  Kazakhstan industry now as advanced as any other nation and each year exports make generate over 300,000,000 billion Tenge for economy. This equivalent almost 100,000 US Dollar! My Government would like invite Nike, Pepsi, Walmarts - come build your factories here! We has many spaces and hardest working childrens in region - unemployment of 7 year olds only 6%.

  PUBIS

  Most important export product from Kazakhstan is of course humans pubis. Ou r pubis is most abundant and finest in whole Central Asi a (beware inferior Uzbek vagine fur) and have many, many use. First stage in process is harvest, which occur in March and November of each year. 1997 was record for production statistic with over 40,000 tonnes. After make harvest of pubis, Kazakh workers next make spin the hairs into yarn. The womens is use brand new Krinski mechanical spin wheel, which can make produce over 6 metre of yarns per day. Yarn of Kazakh pubis is one of most versatiles in whole world and can be use for either manufacture of cloth for clean pots and pans or for knit into comfytables sweaters for childrens.

  RM

  APPLES

  Apples is a most delicious food

  like green potato that is grow

  on special tree that only grow in

  Kazakhstan. These apple tree

  were given to kazakhstan by

  Ukhtar The Mighty Hawk as a

  gift to show that he had chosen

  Kazakhstan to be his favourite

  country. Locate of these tree in

  Kazakhstan is a very secret

  for protect against thief by

  jew, gypsy or uzbek.

  apples

  BE Jl M KOJIEnHAfl KA3AXCTAHCKA51 KOCMOHABTMKA

  • GLORIOUS KAZAKHSTAN ASTRONAUTICS

  Since he was elect into power in the coup of 1990, glorious PremierNazarbamshev have make Kazakh Space Program number one priority of all government spending, with more Tenge allocate to it annually

  than departments of Health, Education and Justice combined. This investments have recent been reward

  with great success in attempt of Kazakhstan to be first

  nation to put a horses into space!

  Horse Cosmonaut Torkin was select from over 500,000 possible horse because of superior brain and nice face

  Launchings was precision event that take place on March 9 2003 exactly at planned time of between 3pm and 10pm.

  After reach altitudes of nearly 300 metr e. Torkin land on school for jew - as you sayings,'each cloudings is havings the linings of silver'. Kazakh scientists later discover reason it did not reaching space and in future will use more stronger elastics band.

  THE NUREK DAM

  Since independence from Soviet oppressors j n 1990, Kazakhstan have rapid become developed modern industrial nation _ this (and explosion of Karusak nuclear plant in 1998) have mean necessity to find efficients way o f meeting new energys demands. Great success in this

  area was ac hj e ve with construct of Nurek Dam and Electrical Powers Generatings Plant. Marvel of engineerings Nurek Dam was official open by Premier Nazarbamshev in 2001. For create it was necessary for flooding Nurek valley with result submergence of 2786 gypsy villages. It worth it, as Nurek Dam produce electrical powers for nearly 40 Kazakh homes. Great Success! Resulting lake have also create many opportunity people of capitalcity Astana in areas watersport leisure activity, supply of drinkings water anc j sewages placement.

  PROSTITUTION

  Whenvisitings to Kazakhstan, several things is essential for all tourists make time for sample before leave;

  eating delicious food plov, watching glorious Kazakh State Circus and of course, receivings mouth-party from one of our many many excellent prostitutes.

  Kazakhstan have cleanest prostitutes in all of Central Asia (except of course for Turkmenistan's) and they is generate_8_Z%

  of K azakh e conomy.

  nn ABA

  SECTOR OF VOLUME

  BQRAT SAGDIYEV

  ANCESTOR TREE*

  CAREER BO RAT SAGDIYEV •

  HOBBIES*

  OTHER FAMILY

  MEMBERS•

  OABTOPE

  •about the author /

  My name Borat Sagdiyev and I born 35 harvest ago in

  Kazakhstan town of Kuczek. I son of Asambala Sagdiyev and Boltok The Rapist.

  My mother meet Boltok The Rapist at The Feast of Shurik, when she age just 14. She tell me they i mmediate have sexytime and that she fell in loves with him the first time she saw his face, four hours later. She tell me fondly that my father Boltok was a very naughty man and responsible for many cheeky rapings!

  My mother was strong woman and when I born, she

  return to w ork the very next day - although customers could only use her in the small hole, since her vagine was broken. She amazing woman and is still Nvingstoday-althoughshewilldiein2or3yearstime.Wewillwait to see how much longer she can work for and when she stop, we will make her stop. Bye bye!

  As small boy, I had very happytimes and do normal things every small child like to do -example, eat toffee, practise romance with dog and throw potatoes on gypsies.

  For my 6 birthday, I visit Astana zoo where I .shoot 4 7 pinguin !

  BORATSAGDIYEV

  • ANCESTOR TREE

  ** Wolfboy

  ****

  This wolf chiId with head size of chicken and one wing on Chest. It current perform in Kazakh State Circus

  ***

  This child FOR SALE

  * Sex not known ... chram, vagine and extra small chram behind left knee. Also - head is shape like duck egg and have 3 ears with teeth grow in left side

  0EPA30BAHME

  • EDUCATION

  I was also very happy face at time of my junior schoolings, although some of other childrens did make tease of me, since my moustache was sloW and did not appear until I was age of nine.

  At school, I was most

  excellent pupil - and by

  age 12 had passed

  Kazakh National exams in Maths, English and

  Surgery The surgery

  course was very difficult

  and it take me 7

  week to qualify as

  a doctor.One of first

  operation I perform was

  to remove a demon that

  live inside the head 0 f

  my brother BILO. I do

  everything correct

  chisel hole exact size of kestrel egg and place

  dry fish inside Bib's head

  to s c a r e the d e m o n, but unfortunate the

  demon become angry with us and

  make Bilo a retard. I

  have recent on advice

  of Government

  Scientist, Dr. Yamak, add

&nbs
p; some lids from bottles

  of PepsiMax to the hole

  and

  have consequent seen much imp ro vements to Bilo. After schoolings I beco m e scholar at University of Astana, where I study English, Humanitys

  and Plague Research- I create 3 new ones! One of them was rel e ase on Uzbekistan

  and kill 2 millions goats!

  KAPbEPA

  . CAREER BORAT SAGDIYEV

  SECTOR

  PREVIOUS

  TELEVISKI

  EMPLOYMENTS TO REPORTINGS

  1.ICEMAKER

  Subsequent to University, I one of only 25 graduates who was accept as a trainee at

  Almaty Liquids Refrigeration Facility-this from over 1,700,000 applicant! Three year later I was qualify as Icemaker. Ice is a ma9ical hard substance invent by Kazakh Government Scientist, Dr.Yamak, which can be make into shape

  of either circle, square or cylinder for use delicious food and also make temporary housing. I cannot reveal how ice is make, since this state secret.

  2. COMPUTER MAINTENANCE ENGINEER

  Subsequent to work as icemaker, I was employ as computer maintenance engineer - I was person who would paint outside and remove dead birds from its pipes

  OF

  ANIMAL

  3. EXTRACTOR

  SPERMATAZOA

  After explosion of National Computer in 1997, I re-train and become specialist in make sexytime liquid ejaculate of

  animals. I soon become best in Almaty and could release a goat in seven second! It easy - finger in anoos! One time there was a camel who had not make spray for fifteen year and everyone say "he cannot be made explode - it not possible". I say,

  "leave it to Borat". I grip pull, grip pull, grip Pull....for 17 hours I grip pull,