Borat Read online

  ENTRANCE

  This may appearing like sign for a brothel, but is m fact also a restaurant that selling delicious American hamboorgers

  This man not a sexcnmmal, but is famous hamboorger chef Ronal Micdonal.

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  Here, as he request, I am post a delicious hamboorger to Premier Nazarbamshev in Kazakhstan.

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  DELICIOUS EXAMPLE...

  • Ketchups - this is a delicious redsoup that come in small packets and is free of charge in hamboorger restaurants. When I was in US and A making my moviefilm and I

  did not have any moneys, for a two weeks period I would eat maybe 650 - 700 of

  these ketchups every day. At end of this time my anoos looked like he had been rape by a giant from Tajiktan.

  • American Cheese - this is made not from a horse or a woman, but from a cow!! I know, I think the same! But it actual do not taste so bad.

  • Peanuts - One time in New York City I try this small egg that look like a potato, which have name 'peanuts'. It

  most delicious thing I have ever taste. Have any body else hear of this

  delicious food 'peanuts', and know

  where I might once again finding them?

  • All You Can Eating Buffets - can

  you believe this...8 dollar for as much food as you wants!? It seem too good to be true! Well, it is too good to be true - I go to a place that have this sign with my friend Azamat Bagatov, we sit and we eat for 14 hour and then when we cannot eat any more, we fill my suitcase with chicken and cheese and the people become very angry. Do not be fooled!

  • Since writing of this account, you will be delight to know that Micdonalds have

  now open its first restaurant in Kazakhstan! Locate in capitalcity

  Astana, there is current a twelve year waitings list. Also, please be awares that dress code is formal and a jacket, tie and

  shoes must be worn.

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  My friend Azamat Bagatov was always content to sit and eat ice soup while looking on the chiidrens.

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  I have do picture of this delicious food 'peanuts' . If anybody recognizing it knows from where I can find them, please you writing this information to me!

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  TINATIONS US an

  NEW YORK CITYS WASHINGTON DCS' LOS ANGELES • GRAND CANYON-MOUNT RUSHMORES-GRACELANDS SAMS GAS SHOP' DISNEYSLAND-LAS VEGAS•

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  • GUIDINGS TO DESTINATIONS OF US AND A ESSENTIAL FOR VISITATIONS

  NEW YORK CITYS

  This sector of the volume is listings of destinations

  within U S and A that I have visit and I think that you would liking too! I will commencing it with informations on America" s second biggest village, New York City - every visit to US

  and A start here, since it location of the natoon' s airport.

  New York Cities is a collection of five islands Manhattans, Brooklyns. Queens, Alcatraz and

  Harlem Globetrotters m

  It true what what they saying - New York has tallest buildings in world. This skyscraper is THREE floors! How can it stand!!?

  New York Cities

  which is separated by a series of very large open sewers. Over these sewers is several big bridges,

  which is ideal places from which to release dirt from your anoos. Incidentallys, if anyone reading this was

  on that boat, I sorry. Although New York very nice

  place, beware of American propaganda on this city. For

  examples, New York claim to be home of world's most big apple, but this a he! Everyone know that the one

  produce by Kazakhstan in 1963, weighings 5.7

  kilogram have this record.

  My favorite place of New York is Manhattans-here is some things and place you can doing there..

  • GO TO TIME SQUARES

  Time Squares is a place in center of Manhattan where you can look on the world's b.qgest telev.sk, screens (I stare for 5 hour, but they do not show any porno), eat a delicious food peanuts and receive handparty from a woman from S.am for 15 dollar.

  There is more light bulb in Time Squares than the whole of Kazakhstan (which according to census of 2004 have 68).

  You can also have your portrait paint by one of finest artist in world. Many of most famous peoples in world have also pose for the one who paint me - including Brad Pitts, Leonardo Di Caprios, Anegelma Joihe, Elvis Presleys, Michael Jacksons, Humphrey Bogarts and Spiderman.

  • VISIT CENTRAL PARKS

  Central Parks is a big field in center of New York Citys. There is no horse or cow roam there, so I think perhaps there have recent be plague? Despites this, it most perfect place for make new American friends.

  Central Parks also has excellent huntings possibility. When I was in New York City, I trap 7 dog and 9 womens!

  Here I am trying to make friends in Central Parks. I invite this child back my hotel room to watch cartoons, but his mother would not allow him. What is the problem? I would not charge the child to watch the moviefilm, it would be free.

  Plus, I had show that I a nice man by offering the child some sweeties. I can only think that the mother did not wish me to play with him because she had to take him away to work in a factory.

  GO IN A SUBWAYS TRAIN

  • GO IN A SUBWAYS TRAIN

  You must doing this! It amazmgs! These trains travel UNDER the ground and is so long that at the front there must be at least 20 horse pulling them!

  For long journey on subways it sensible take a book

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  TRAVEL IN NEW YORK TAXI

  If you have never travel before in a motorcar, this a great opportunity for experience it. They safe for womens and children too - there even a screen to prevent the driver making rape on them.

  New York Taxis is most spacious. You could easy fit two wife in trunk. Even more if they dead. Incidentals, it is illegal for Americans to drive one of these taxi.

  OTHER USEFULS INFORMATIONS AND FACT ON NEW YORK CITY...

  •Beware the criminals on the edge of Central Park with the horses and wagons. I approached one of these gypsies, and gave him 40 US dollars. I sit in wagon and he take me around park to show me everything is good, but then when I try to take the horse I have purchase, he become angry and would not let me.

  • On more happy news - New York City is relatively free of jew. There is perhaps 8 or 10

  of them, no more.

  • Other activity recommend for sample in New York Citys includes visit Guggenheims porno gallery, eat a hotdogs and climb World Trade Center.

  • If you have spend 3 hours watching a sidewalk waiting for steam to blow up a lady ' s dress and reveal her antipants like Marilyn Monroes and nothing happens, DO NOT go up to a

  woman and raise her dress manually. This is a crime in America! Yes, America is a strange place. I learnt this lesson, and spent a night m jail. It was very nice - better than hotel in Astana! They give you your own mattress and a delicious food called 'Gruel'. I ask to stay longer, but they would not let me. The man I share my cell with was the most friendly person that I met on my travels.

  • Do not be panicked by people running in the park. They are NOT fleeing from gypsy attack or nuclear leakage - they are doing a running for fun, name 'loggings'! Only in America!!

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  • WASHINGTON DCS

  Washington DCs is capitalcity of US and A. It locate on East coasts of country and as well as being home to US Government, is also home to World Bank and International Monetary Fund. For this reason, when there, you must be very careful about

  jew attack. If you need to borrow a jewtrap to put outside your hotel door (or are just feel homesicks), you can always visit the Kazakh Embassy in

  Washmgtons DC. It open 24 hr per day and offers any traveling Kazakh free food if you hungry, gypsy tears if you have headatche or AIDS, and fake passport if you have commit rape, traffic offence or murder.

  In additions to Kazakh Embassy, other buildings in Washington DCs that you may find interesting includes, Spank Gentlemen ' s Club on Connecticut Avenue and Restaurant

  Micdonaids on

  Jeffersons Drive.

  Washmgtons Dcs

  This glorious Kazakh Embassy. Outside is statues of a Kazakh soldier from year 2005 and a flying dog from Pavlodar Province. There less than 200 of these left in the wild.

  OTHER USEFULS INFORMATIONS AND FACT ON WASHlNGTONS DCs

  • The city is not name after Hollywood Superstar actor, Denzel Washington, but after first Premier of US and A, Geoffrey Washmgtons.

  • In Washington DCs, it is only legal for Presidents, after making liquid explosion, to clean their phenis on the dress of a female intern. DO NOT try to do the same.

  • Police cells in Washington DCs is excellent place for spend a night free of charges and is even more comfortybal than in New York Cities.

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  • VISIIT OF PREM IER NAZARBAMSHEV TO WASHINGTON

  In year 2006 Mighty Leader of Kazakhstan.Premier

  Nazarbamshev, was invite to US and A by George Walter Bush for a chitchats

  and to promote my moviefilm,

  "Bora t". It was nosurpnses to anyone

  that this historic occasion was attempt

  of sabotage by assholes Uzbekistan,

  who had been spread lies about

  Kazakhstan in America media. As

  only two Kazakhs who speaks perfects

  English is me and Korki Butchek (and

  he could not get Visa for U S and A due

  to sexcnme misunderstanding), | was

  give honour by my country of deal with this situation. Premier Nazarbamshev

  personally wrote a speech for me, which

  I translate and read at a press

  conferences outside Embassy

  In addition make Government Speech, I also announce to press that Premier Nazarba m shev is looking for a secondhand hubcap to fit 1 987 Toyota Corolla - he win pay up to 8 US Dollar if condition is good. At

  time of this book go to press, he is still look for one of these hubcap, if

  anyone have one for sell?

  Following successful dehvenngs of speech, I then made travel on foot to home of US Government , name 'The Whitehorse', where my Premier was drinking PepsiMax and playing

  computergame 'Grand Thefts' Alto with Mighty Warlord George Walter Bush. After leaving a packet of

  delicious Peanuts M&Ms for my Premier with a guard, as he had requested, I then left and made return to my hotel.

  EMBASSY OF KAZAKHSTAN IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA 1401 16TH STREET NW, WASHINGTON, D.C., 20036

  DECREE KAZAKH GOVERNMENT SEPTEMBER 28 YEAR 2006

  Jagshemash, my name Borat Sagdiyev. I would like comment on recent

  advertisements on television and in media about my nation of Kazakhstan, saying that women are-treated equally and that all religions are tolerated - these are disgusting fabrications. These claims are part of a propaganda campaign against our country by evil nitwits Uzbekistan - who as we all know are a v ery nosey people, with a bone in the-middle of their brain.

  There is a man name Roman Vasilenko who is claiming to be Press Secretary of Kazakhstan. Please do not listen this man, he is Uzbek imposter, and is currently being hunted by our agents. I must further

  say on behalf of my government, that if Uzbekistan do not desist from funding these attacks, then we will not rule out the possibility of

  mil itary intervention.

  If there is one more item of Uzbek Propaganda claiming that we do NOT drink fermented horse urine, give death penalty for baking bagels, or export over 300 tonnes of human pubis per year, then we will be left

  with no alternative but to commence bombardment of their cities with our catapults.

  Furthermores, all claims that our glorious leader is displeased with my film, "Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for iiake Benefit

  Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan" is lie. Infacts main purpose of Premier Nazarbamshev's visit to Washingtons is to promote this moviefilm. This why together with Ministry of Information he will be hosting a screening tomorrow evening, to which he have invitate

  Premiere George Walter Bush and other American dignitaries - Donald Rumsfeld, Bill Gates, OJ Simpsons and Liel Gibsons.

  This screening will be followed by cocktail party and a discussion of closer ties between our countries at Hooters, on 825 7th Street.

  Thank you, I must now return to Embassy where my Government need me.

  Chenquieh

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  • LOS ANGtLES

  Los Angeles is a large village in state of California which is home of Mickey Mouse,

  Donald Duck and naughty sex-cnmmal Charles Mansons. it also home to all moviefilm industry of US and A and while I there, I meet many many moviestars!

  Here I with Chinese murderer, Bruce Lee!

  Here I meet televiski policeman Kojaks!

  Two day later I see Bruce Lee again and take photograph with him like before, but he said he did not remember my nice face. Many stars are like this, they treat you like you are nothings and forget you the moment you disappear.

  Best way for see and possibly capture a moviestar is by take a Star Tours bus. They take you directly to the house of whichever star you intend to make Sexytime with. However, you must bring your own equipment, to ensure that the star cannot escape.

  If you do not have energy for actual stalk a moviestar, you can visit place named Manns Chinese Theatre where m past many have leave their hand and footprints.

  Manns Theatre great place for take photograph. 56

  While on beach in Los Angeles, you can hiring a special shoe with wheels for helping you chase ladies.

  OTHER USEFULS INFORMATIONS AND FACT ON LOS ANGELES

  • Entrance code for lock on Liza Mine I lis (wawaweewa! ) gate is not between numbers 0 and 9873

  • They say Football Superstar OJ Simpsons killed his wife in Los Angeles and also committed a crime here. I do not know what it was though.

  •Thomas Cruise is not homosexual

  • California surfers is very territorials and gets angry if someone not local makes release a dirt from anoos on their beach

  • The Beatles, Ricky Martins, Elvis Presleys, TJ Hooker and Kelme Dion all do not live in Los Angeles

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  • OTHER ESSENTIAL DESTINATIONS TOURISTIK OF US AND A

  Although not so big as Kazakhstan, US and A is a large country with more than 25 places worth making a visits to. I cannot listing them all here, that would be silly! But I can giving you a few example of my favourites - some of which I have attend, some of which I have not.

  • GRAND CANYON

  This is most impressive hole in the ground is situate in state of Arizona -it measure 300 miles long and 1 mile deep and must have take many slaves, many year to dig. It perfect place to bring your wife, particularly if she is already crushed and you need somewhere to throw her.

  • MOUNT RUSHMORES

  Mount Ru
shmores is a mountain locate m South Dakotas, which have

  been carve with the faces of Geoffrey Washington, Thomas Jeffersons,

  Burt Reynolds and Michael Boltons

  It very similar to our famous Mount Karanak, in the Tinshem Mountains, which have a formation that closely resemblings a pair of womans tit. Many Kazakh men travels there every day to look on it and make a hand release.

  Mount Karanak

  This is famous US and A landmark, name Mount Rushmores. In 1927 four terrible sex criminals were punished by being turned into stone by gypsy curse.

  To celebrate 10th anniversary of Kazakh independence m 2001. Premier Nazarbamshev funded first improvements to Mount Karanak in over 300 years - the addition of a large pubis below the tit. Since this event, visitor numbers have increase tenfold

  I would like suggest some of these ideas to government of US and A - perhaps addition of Liza Mmelli to Mount Rushmores, totally nude? This would make achievement of liquid explosion whilst looking on it much more easy than it is currently - even when squintings, it took me over an hour.

  • GRACELANDS

  Essentials to any visit of US and A is trip to home of popular music singer, home of popular music singer Elvis Presleys and his 14 year old wife. Locate in village of Memphis Tennesses, this house is name Gracelands and have many nice attraction includmgs 3 television sets, electrical lights and an outside toilet shape like a guitar. This Elvis Presleys. If you very lucky, perhaps

  you will see Elvis himself at Gracelands, although at time of writing this, he was in New York Citys working as a singer in Lucky Cheng's Restaurant.